Due to a recent retirement, the Department of Science at Employment University is looking to fill a vacancy that puts the department in violation of the Universal Unwritten Academic Rules (UUAR). In order to avoid risking sanctions for non-compliance (of Article 57-8.4), this position must be filled immediately:
Job Title: Seminar Napper
Requirements: Must be a >50 year old white male who likes to sit in the front row of auditoria, enjoys napping and can smoothly transition from REM sleep to clapping. Must be short enough to fit in our department's main theater chairs without too much head bobbing and should not snore too loudly (occasional transgressions will be overlooked).
Preferred skills: Candidates whose responsibilities for teaching and research are either light or languishing from a lack of activity, are strongly encouraged to apply to increase the number of seminars attended in this capacity per week. Candidates who ask the same question relating to their own work at every seminar, regardless of topic, will also stand out to the committee.
Compensation: Free coffee, tea and snacks for every seminar attended. On occasion, a cheese plate may provide additional attendance incentive.
Applicants should provide three letters of reference that will attest to their utter inability to remain conscious for an hour at a time in a darkened room. Evidence of this, including video or personal seminar notes that scrawl off the page after two lines, should be included in the application package. Interviews will be conducted during the upcoming departmental seminar.
Please forward application packets to:PLS, Department of Science, Employment University
10 hours ago