Due to a recent retirement, the Department of Science at Employment University is looking to fill a vacancy that puts the department in violation of the Universal Unwritten Academic Rules (UUAR). In order to avoid risking sanctions for non-compliance (of Article 57-8.4), this position must be filled immediately:
Job Title: Seminar Napper
Requirements: Must be a >50 year old white male who likes to sit in the front row of auditoria, enjoys napping and can smoothly transition from REM sleep to clapping. Must be short enough to fit in our department's main theater chairs without too much head bobbing and should not snore too loudly (occasional transgressions will be overlooked).
Preferred skills: Candidates whose responsibilities for teaching and research are either light or languishing from a lack of activity, are strongly encouraged to apply to increase the number of seminars attended in this capacity per week. Candidates who ask the same question relating to their own work at every seminar, regardless of topic, will also stand out to the committee.
Compensation: Free coffee, tea and snacks for every seminar attended. On occasion, a cheese plate may provide additional attendance incentive.
Applicants should provide three letters of reference that will attest to their utter inability to remain conscious for an hour at a time in a darkened room. Evidence of this, including video or personal seminar notes that scrawl off the page after two lines, should be included in the application package. Interviews will be conducted during the upcoming departmental seminar.
Please forward application packets to:PLS, Department of Science, Employment University
1 day ago
Dang it! I don't think I fit. If I sport a fake gray mustache and promise to additionally show up late, make a big show of getting a heaping mound of food, stuffing my face in the front row (leaving crumbs in the 'stache), and ONLY THEN, after calling such attention to myself, falling asleep, do I have a chance?
ReplyDeleteAdditionally, I could add a few questions regarding the topic of the seminar that were outlined early by the speaker. I could also get all blustery about how poor the methods are in the speaker's field and how everybody already knows the answer to this question. Then I will make a condescending remark about how a statistical purist would not find the speaker's results acceptable (though I myself have never been known to do much more than simple linear regressions).
Also, I totally have it in for the chair and will use his/her open door as an excuse to barge in and yell about Things That Bother Me. After that I'll get sleepy and nap in my office.
I am disappointed Employment U wasn't grooming someone for the position.
ReplyDeleteKate, if you're willing to go to those lengths, we might consider you. It's clear you have a nose for what this position needs and may be ready to break into a male-dominated position.
ReplyDeleteAnon, there are several internal candidates being considered, but we don;t like to advertise that to scare applicants off.
LOL! We totally had one of those where I was working.
ReplyDeleteGreat post!
Aw, shoot. I can't pull off the sleeping thing. I can, however, rudely distract the person sitting next to me with snide little jokes. Maybe that would suffice?
ReplyDeleteFor such an esteems position, you would never put out an advertisement without having someone in mind first. I'm sure you have been considering Alan Guth for the position, world renown physicist and napper. Unfortunately, he doesn't ask many questions at the seminars I have seen him at.
ReplyDeleteWill preference be given to candidates who will brazenly approach the speaker after the talk is over and say "great talk, well done", despite the fact that they were blatantly asleep in the front row for the whole thing, just like always? Because if so, I know just the person from my PhD institute. He might be a couple of years shy of the minimum age, but he has everything else down pat.
ReplyDeleteHmm...maybe this could be a job-share? I would be happy to do the sleeping part, if someone else is willing to ask inappropriate questions or, better yet, make random comments to which the speaker has no idea how to reply...especially about the size and/or color of the text/background. Plus, our combined ages would surely put us in the acceptable range.
ReplyDeleteWe got a couple of them in our department. One of them decided to retire last week!Perhaps she may change her mind about the retirement and apply this position?
ReplyDeleteIs there any course reduction? That would be great (She got course reductions because of her excessive! service contributions).
really really funny post, yet what a realist!!!! ;)
ReplyDelete