Dear university dining services,
I get the fact that you like to "cater" all university events with the same "fill-in-the-blank-with-an-animal-salad" sandwiches that are more mayo then mystery meat, but could you give us some sort of indicator of which is which? Because, quite frankly, I can't tell by the hue of each ground substance in mayo and you've taken to creating some weird shit. I thought I was getting tuna salad this afternoon because it was my best guess at the meat-product that was likely unceremoniously applied to a roll with an ice cream scoop. Despite my eyes seeing tuna my taste buds were assaulted by "smokey", "salty" and "canned" as the flavors that erupted once I bit down. I gagged down the one bite while trying to figure out what I had just consumed. It took six people to identify the atrocity as "ham salad". Ham salad? What the fuck dining services? We were in no danger of running out of meat products to chop and apply mayo to! Why the fuck would you decide that doing this to ham was a good idea? Who even thought of this shit? It offends every human sense, with the exception of auditory, and I have yet to find the right thing to eat that will wash this taste out of my mouth. We're working our way from oatmeal cookie up to lab ethanol and flame, and I am disturbingly high up that chain. Dude. Fuck. Sigh.
10 hours ago