Dear university dining services,
I get the fact that you like to "cater" all university events with the same "fill-in-the-blank-with-an-animal-salad" sandwiches that are more mayo then mystery meat, but could you give us some sort of indicator of which is which? Because, quite frankly, I can't tell by the hue of each ground substance in mayo and you've taken to creating some weird shit. I thought I was getting tuna salad this afternoon because it was my best guess at the meat-product that was likely unceremoniously applied to a roll with an ice cream scoop. Despite my eyes seeing tuna my taste buds were assaulted by "smokey", "salty" and "canned" as the flavors that erupted once I bit down. I gagged down the one bite while trying to figure out what I had just consumed. It took six people to identify the atrocity as "ham salad". Ham salad? What the fuck dining services? We were in no danger of running out of meat products to chop and apply mayo to! Why the fuck would you decide that doing this to ham was a good idea? Who even thought of this shit? It offends every human sense, with the exception of auditory, and I have yet to find the right thing to eat that will wash this taste out of my mouth. We're working our way from oatmeal cookie up to lab ethanol and flame, and I am disturbingly high up that chain. Dude. Fuck. Sigh.
Sincerely,
-PlS
1 day ago
Ham salad? Ew! I never put mayo on ham. It's against my religion.
ReplyDeleteVerification word: "shant" As in, "dining services sha'nt make ham salad sandwiches again if they expect my patronage."
We have a new catering service and as a private school boy who grew up eating institutional food I fucking love it! We had a career seminar thing I had to attend today and I had 3 (three) portions of "lasagna" and one of veggie lasagna. Wonderous.
ReplyDeleteOf course, now it feels like has filled my bowels with concrete, but marvelous none-the-less. Although my secretary doesn't enjoy the fact I've also got more wind than the horn section of the London Philharmonic...
Meat gets put into every imaginable soup here. Chicken noodle mysteriously doesn't taste like chicken though. Beef stew somethinorother got a WTF rating. The label on the last one I tried said nothing about meat, but there were these little block thingies that I could swear were chopped up grilled chicken pieces. Maybe a testing kit to sample the food for ballistics and DNA on the mystery materials would get funded by one of those Challenge grants everyone is fussing over.
ReplyDeleteI thought ham salad was outlawed after the 1950s...
ReplyDeleteAre you unfamiliar with deviled ham? Why the can is wrapped in paper I cannot explain.
ReplyDeleteActually, I think ham salad can, in fact, offend the auditory sense...of the other people at the table who have to listen to someone gag and choke on ham sald!
ReplyDeleteThere's a standing joke that our medical center cafeteria must be secretly run by the cardiologists who are hoping to drum up repeat business among the family members of their current patients.
My complaint isn't so much with dining services, since I can choke down just about anything that is palatable. No, my problem is the very idea of ham salad. Ink - were there laws amenable to ham salad prior to the 1950's? Because I never even heard of it until the other day. Granted, I'm not one for deli ham in general, but I also don't like egg salad and I knew it existed.
ReplyDeleteHair of the dog. Pork rinds.
ReplyDeleteI think I'de rather eat the dog hair...
ReplyDelete