Wednesday, July 8, 2009

That "not so fresh" feeling

After weeks of writing and re-writing what seem like the same pages, days of harassing colleagues for letters of support or other documents and what seems like forever digging through papers and data looking for that one last piece of the grant puzzle, anyone can start to take on some funk. It's the sour stink of ideas made stale by the number of times they were rolled over and over. The unmistakeable odor that a massive deadline leaves in it's wake. Well, now there's a way to rid yourself and your office of grant-stench.

New Grant-Be-Gone can be ordered by phone, just have your credit card ready

For just 12.3 easy payments of only $9.99 (plus S+H*), we'll ship a bottle of Grant-Be-Gone right to your home, office or colleague's office. No longer will your students scatter when you leave your office. After one application of Grant-Be-Gone, you might even answer your phone with more than a grunt**.

"Grant-Be-Gone even got those burrito stains out of my shirt!" - Andrea Blain, Beleaguered Assistant Prof, MRU

That's right folks, Grant-Be-Gone*** will wash that recently-submitted grant away so that you can get back to working on that manuscript / review / class / book / other grant that you have been neglecting for the past month.

* $29.99 for Shipping & Handling. Product comes on Dry Ice, MSDS available.
**Individual results may vary.
*** May not be legal in all states, check you local regulations on reactive phenolic compounds.


  1. Will it help my children stop trowing stress-related tantrums?

  2. Grant-Be-Gone is not approved for children, seniors or PIs who act like children or seniors.

  3. Will it remove "go away" signs from office doors?

  4. That's hysterical!! I would SO buy a can of grant-be-gone right now. The lingering odor of my two grants is defintiely causing me some motivational problems right now! I might humbly suggest a line of products: administrator-be-gone (a repellant that is sprayed around your door to keep admins from coming in to ask you to do stuff), student-be-gone (a mild deterrent that prevents students who just think it would be more convenient to ask you a question than to read the material themself).

  5. Also sure to be a hit among overworked, grant-writing PIs

  6. There's a wealth of patentable products here:
    Spurious Data Point-Be-Gone
    Equipment Malfunction-Be-Gone
    Texting Student in the Back of the Class-Be-Gone

    The list could be long and one would only have to decide if a soap, spray or lotion would be the most effective delivery medium.

  7. Is there a discount for ordering in bulk?

  8. We have 50 gallon drums in the warhouse, ready to go. Usually those are reserved for the "clean up", once the police clear the scene, but I'll give you a deal.

  9. (Too funny!)

    If I call RIGHT NOW, will I get two for the price of one? I need a LOT!

  10. Not only that, but if you call in the NEXT TEN MINUTES we'll throw in a bottle opener key chain for free. No one want to have a hard time opening post grant beers.